Story of my life.
And when I talk, bang bang.
I forbid myself to be vulnerable.
And I forbid the ones I love to be so.
No more vulnerability, no more abandons.
That’s how it works in my head.
No more danger, no more loss.
I just want to be surrounded by safety, clarity, surety, the understandable, the loveable, the light, the colours, the smiles, the laughs, the sincerity, the purity, the beauty.
No more shadows, no more fears, so more unknown, no more hate, no more secrets, no more darkness, no more tears, no more destruction, no more, no more, no more.
No more goodbyes, but like never again, never saying goodbye again, never loving, never trusting, never hoping, never expecting.
And this is the paradoxical point, where you want to protect yourself so much against every bad things, that you get surrounded by them, and no more good things.
The only way seems to be acceptance. Acceptance. Accept. Accept. Accept.
Accepting to be alone, accepting to be scared, accepting to be weak, accepting to fail, accepting to lose, accepting to hate, accepting to be bad, accepting to feel bad, accepting the bad.
Accepting that you’re gone, and that it created a gap that nothing can fill. Absolutely nothing. Not even the hope to find again a new relationship with someone who lost you too. Things have always gone the same way, and the reason for this is so deep that nothing is going to change during your time life. Nothing.
You’re gone. No. You’re dead.
Accept. She’s dead. Dead. D.E.A.D. D.E.A.D. D.E.A.D.
You can not know what is a word without knowing its opposite.
You can not give any explanation of what is good without having to mention what is bad.
You can’t know what life is if you don’t know what death is.
You can’t know how much someone’s presence can mean until you have to face his absence.
You have to lose something to look for and find it.
You have to get lost to look for and find your way.
Dealing with absence depends on how we deal with presence.
My thoughts themselves don’t make any sense. How a definition could ever make sense if one of its words is missing? I used to have the definition of myself. And then I lost him. And then I lost you. And then I lost my meaning. My definition, my meaning is a group of words but two are missing and so all the other words are not enough anymore to give me any sense. They still make me exist. I do exist. But I just don’t mean anything anymore. Existing itself doesn’t mean anything anymore. But I need to stay on. Because without me, there would be so many words who would not mean anything anymore, because I am a part of so many other definitions.
As Human Being created Words to Exist, Words created an Existence for Human Beings.
They say there are 4 steps when you have to face a mourning.
If indeed I can not believe you are gone.
If indeed I have sometimes pic of anger that I control.
If indeed I feel sometimes so sad that my tears are all my human strength can product to tell you goodbye.
I have no clue of what they mean when they say acceptance.
If they mean one day I am going to accept the fact you’regone, I know I just couldn’t. If they REALLY believe it’s even POSSIBLE to accept someone you love is gone. If they mean it’s possible to live with this infinite gap in your heart. See. I did it again. I went through the 3 first steps. But I can’t see the fourth coming.