Eternal Cycle of Destruction and Reconstruction.
Sometimes it feels like we spend our lives trying to build something until it collapses. We then have to get rid of what used to be its foundations and find new ones and start all over again.
I thought I understood it all when I decided not to build my life anymore depending on people but depending just on myself but now I realised : no matter how free, independent and lonely I think I am, I will never be because whatever is me, there is someone behind it. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, there will always be people by my side. It is both incredibly healing and scary. Because now it just makes me feel like I will spend the rest of my life building things, watching them crashing down, clear the mess and start all over again.
Is that really what life is about? Is there really nothing ever that stays with us no matter what? Will everything we come to know, feel and live die at some point in our life? Is really everything have supposed to die at some point, are we really meant to get separated from anything we ever get to be with?
Are absurdity and nothingness theories actually the best optimist versions of our lives we’ll ever hear? Is realising how absurde we are as human beings but keep on trying to give it all a meaning actually the best proof of faith in humanity?
Whatever we do, whatever we have, whatever we keep ourselves busy from the idea that it will all end at some point with, all of this DO NOT matter. What does matter is who we are inside, what we do inside of ourselves, what we do to give the end a meaning .
Sometimes I’m exhausted but I know this exhaustion is only due to going into circles. And I know that even when I do go into circles, I am moving forward. I just can’t notice it because I am too busy trying to reach a goal I will probably never reach and instead I am reaching another one.
I know that everything is itself and its opposite. I know that when I mean well I do wrong. I know that when I am hurt I hurt people around me. I know when I try to make things better, I am crashing them down. I know I’m open-minded and completely intolerant in the same time. I know it’s hard to understand me when I do understand myself. I know my world is not the real one.
But I also know that the real world is not mine. I also know that I do understand myself when people find it hard to. I also know when I act as an intolerant person it’s actually because I am open minded. I know that when I am crashing things down I am actually making them better. I know when I hurt other people it’s because I am hurt. And I know that when I do wrong, I mean well.
And above all, I know I am trying.