“How we survive is what makes us who we are.”

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I will never have a rational life cause I never had one. I guess we all never had one. My mum told me many times that we are all alone on earth and we can either accept it or lying to ourselves. I think she’s right. Whatever we’re going through, we’re all alone to face it. Not because no one stands by us. But because we experience it our very own way. We are all so scared of ourselves. We are so scared to be alone. But we ARE all alone on earth anyway. Why should we fear that? Why should we hang on some beliefs in order to be reassured about that? Why can’t we just ACCEPT that we’re all alone? I guess the only people who don’t make us alone are paradoxically the people we love and who died. They are the only one being with us for real because we’ll carry them in our heart the whole way and we can be suer that we’ll never regret it, they’ll never betray us and we’ll always forgive them. Why does it take us to lose them forever to eventually accept it? Are we that unable to cope with the difference between our world and the outer world? Is that so hard to accept that people are not what you want them to be but are just who they are? Are we that self-centered not to be able to accept that the world is something more than going all around ourselves and nothing else?

Why are we so scared to be alone when we Are alone? Why are we so scared of all of our bad feelings when we DO have them anyway? Why are we scared to suffer when we actually do suffer even more trying to run away from our pain? Why can’t we face ourselves as miserable sometimes and able to rise above all that could bring us down? Why is it so hard for us to just admit we can be as amazing as miserable? Why do we want to be regular in the end? We all think we want to be different, original and so not like the others but we do want to appear so to other’s, deep inside of us, we spend our time praying that we ARE just like others. Isn’t that the most ceasing feeling ever when you notice something inside of you and someone tells you he feels the same? So you’re not “insane”, totally “mental” but well normal?? Why does it HAVE TO BE so paradoxical? Why do we keep spending time working hard to appear the exact opposite of what we really are? Why do we keep seeking the proof of the opposite we feel? Why can’t we just TRUST OURSELVES?

Even when we do trust ourselves, we don’t trust we’ll find our place in the outer world. The more we trust ourselves, the more we feel like we don’t belong here. Why is there always that huge gap between what we feel and what there is for real? Why do we have to over expect, why do we have to over react, why do we have to get over disappointed, over hurt? I just wish there was a way we could all understand, including myself, that the way we feel the worst, the way we feel the best and even the way we feel just normal is our very own way, that no one else does feel the same way and that everybody feels it its own way. We keep on dreaming about an over amazing life, doing nothing for it to happen, killing our self-love and confidence with our past shadows and not letting our inner light going through all of this, dealing with this, and that all of it makes us WHO WE ARE.

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