I’m contradictory and I spend all my time fighting against me.
Is it me? Is it everybody?
Spleen. Melancholia. Call it as you want. To me it’s just a deep feeling that seems to be part of me. I feel like I’m losing myself if I let it go. I spent my whole life identifying myself to my problems, my traumas, my fears and my wounds. So now even if I do want to let them go, I find myself unable to do so because I feel like I wouldn’t be myself anymore. How masochist is that.
I feel dark. I feel black. I feel like I don’t belong in anywhere. I feel like I don’t belong with anybody either. No I don’t wish to die. And I don’t harm myself. And I try not to harm the others too. But I always get hurt in the end. And I always hurt back. I know those times were my fault. I know I wanted those times to happen. I know I made them to happen. But I got so many memories I can’t let go. I can’t let him go. I don’t want to. I don’t know what the fuck I want. Why do all of those emotions have to be always so core.
Who am I. Who am i supposed to be. Who am I supposed to become.
Why do I spend so much energy on feeling pain and can’t seem to find a way to develop any in order to be fucking HAPPY. Am I going to be any day HAPPY? am i going to be at all. I feel so strong and yet so fucking fragile. I protect myself against everything. Anything.
I live in fear. I live in the past. I live in nostalgia. I live in regrets. I live in dreams. I live in hopes. But I can’t seem to find a fucking way to live in the real outer world. I always get so close to myself, but yet so far. I feel anger for everybody. Not every body. But any body really.
I’m feeling guilty for everything. I am feeling guilty for being me. I am guilty for taking care of me. I feel guilty. All the time. Why is that.
I feel so special but so judgemental with myself. I so want to be perfect. I so want to be irreproachable. But I don’t want to lower my expectations. Cause I want to be perfect on my way. Cause I want a very perfect life on my way. I want perfect people. I want perfection, not universal perfection, but MY perfection, I want reality to be as beautiful as my inner world, I don’t want people to have weaknesses, I don’t want relationships to end, and I don’t want to feel all of this anymore.