Image
Est ce qu’un jour je vais finir par grandir? Est-ce qu’un jour je vais finir par guérir?
Est ce qu’un jour je vais être capable de renoncer à toute cette tristesse, à toute cette tragédie, est ce qu’un jour je vais finir par accepter, est ce qu’un jour je vais finir par avancer? Est ce que je passe ma vie à fuir cette tristesse ou est ce que je vais finir par la surmonter?
Papa tu es pour moi le plus beau des héros tragiques dont je n’ai jamais entendu parler. Et le plus vrai. Et je ne devrais pas considérer ton histoire comme une tragédie. Parce que si ton histoire est une tragédie, j’en suis le fruit.
Je ne peux pas continuer à m’enfermer dans cette atmosphère sombre et triste parce qu’elle me rattache à tout ce que j’ai de toi. Parce que j’ai tellement bien plus que ça. Tu as été tellement bien plus que ça. Et tu es aujourd’hui toujours tellement plus que ça.
“Tu es monté parmi les anges tout là-haut, mais le ciel n’est pourtant pas plus beau”
Je sais que tu n’es jamais vraiment parti. Je sais que tu as toujours été là. Je sais que tu as toujours été un père pour moi, d’où que tu aies pu être. Je sais que de là où tu es ton existence doit t’être bien plus belle et plus supportable. Je sais que c’est ainsi de toutes façons et qu’il n’y a pas grand chose à faire sinon avancer. Mais je ne peux pas te laisser.
Tu es toujours là, avec moi, en moi, pour moi. Je sais que rien ni personne ne pourra m’enlever ça. Si tu étais toujours vivant je pourrais te perdre et perdre le rôle que tu aurais eu dans ma vie. De là où tu es je ne te perdrai plus jamais. Je le sais. Mais ça ne rend rien plus facile. Ni moins douloureux.
Etre séparé des gens qu’on aime, c’est ce qu’il y a de pire au monde. Même si on n’a jamais vraiment été séparés et que nous ne le serons plus jamais. Même si tu veilles sur ma vie d’une façon que tu n’aurais surement pas pu le faire en ayant gardé la tienne. C’est comme s’il y avait un trou dans mon ventre, et dans ce trou l’infini. C’est comme si l’immensité dans laquelle tu es parti s’était aussi installée en moi. Ca m’apporte de merveilleuses choses. Et parfois une douleur qu’il est dur de supporter.
C’est comme si tu m’apportais la force que je n’aurais surement pas eue sans toi. Mais qu’en même temps cette force se battait contre une force au moins aussi forte et qu’au lieu de me rendre plus forte, elle me permettait tout juste de tenir le coup. Je ne renoncerai jamais. Quoi qu’il se passe, je ne renoncerai jamais. Et quand viendra mon heure, alors je partirai paisible parce que je saurai que tu m’attendras de là ou tu es. Je sais que je te retrouverai.
Advertisements

Always getting back to the same old conclusion.

At least, I am alive for real.

At least I do feel, deeply. At least I know the worth of things and appreciate it. 

At least I stay true to my soul.

At least I know who I am. I know what I feel and I know why.

At least I can move on.

At least I can grow stronger.

Yes I am deeply hurt. Yes I feel deeply insecure. Yes I deeply need people to love me. Yes I deeply feel lost sometimes.

But when everything collapses around me, I am able to go inside of myself and stay there until I feel strong enough to face it.

You can judge me. You can ignore me. You can abandon me.

But you will never never ever know what it is like to be me. You will never never ever know what the fuck I’ve been through.

You can stay more impassive than me but if you think that’s a victory your case is getting even worse.

I am hurt, I am fucking hurt, but there is one thing you should know. Whatever hurts me, I know that at some point, I will grow stronger than it and overcome it. I know that at some point I will leave it behind and will never come back to it. Sometimes I am fighting against myself for something I don’t want to give up on, but in the end, my survival instinct takes over. Because my emotions are that strong that they determine my life. You could experience the same if only you opened yourself to them, if only you opened yourself to your TRUE self. And just knowing that your life is not as full of that as mine, it is enough for me to leave you behind and not looking back. That’s the way you are, and the way you decide to be everyday. I can’t make it change. Only you can. I’m sorry. Goodbye.

Eternal Cycle of Destruction and Reconstruction.

IMG_7740Eternal Cycle of Destruction and Reconstruction.

Sometimes it feels like we spend our lives trying to build something until it collapses. We then have to get rid of what used to be its foundations and find new ones and start all over again.

I thought I understood it all when I decided not to build my life anymore depending on people but depending just on myself but now I realised : no matter how free, independent and lonely I think I am, I will never be because whatever is me, there is someone behind it. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, there will always be people by my side. It is both incredibly healing and scary. Because now it just makes me feel like I will spend the rest of my life building things, watching them crashing down, clear the mess and start all over again.

Is that really what life is about? Is there really nothing ever that stays with us no matter what? Will everything we come to know, feel and live die at some point in our life? Is really everything have supposed to die at some point, are we really meant to get separated from anything we ever get to be with?

Are absurdity and nothingness theories actually the best optimist versions of our lives we’ll ever hear? Is realising how absurde we are as human beings but keep on trying to give it all a meaning actually the best proof of faith in humanity?

Whatever we do, whatever we have, whatever we keep ourselves busy from the idea that it will all end at some point with, all of this DO NOT matter. What does matter is who we are inside, what we do inside of ourselves, what we do to give the end a meaning .

Sometimes I’m exhausted but I know this exhaustion is only due to going into circles. And I know that even when I do go into circles, I am moving forward. I just can’t notice it because I am too busy trying to reach a goal I will probably never reach and instead I am reaching another one.

I know that everything is itself and its opposite. I know that when I mean well I do wrong. I know that when I am hurt I hurt people around me. I know when I try to make things better, I am crashing them down. I know I’m open-minded and completely intolerant in the same time. I know it’s hard to understand me when I do understand myself. I know my world is not the real one.

But I also know that the real world is not mine. I also know that I do understand myself when people find it hard to. I also know when I act as an intolerant person it’s actually because I am open minded. I know that when I am crashing things down I am actually making them better. I know when I hurt other people it’s because I am hurt. And I know that when I do wrong, I mean well.

And above all, I know I am trying.

Destructive relationships. Promote the worst in you. Eternal Circle of Darkness and Negativity.

You have to break it through if you want to be free.

“How we survive is what makes us who we are.”

Image

I will never have a rational life cause I never had one. I guess we all never had one. My mum told me many times that we are all alone on earth and we can either accept it or lying to ourselves. I think she’s right. Whatever we’re going through, we’re all alone to face it. Not because no one stands by us. But because we experience it our very own way. We are all so scared of ourselves. We are so scared to be alone. But we ARE all alone on earth anyway. Why should we fear that? Why should we hang on some beliefs in order to be reassured about that? Why can’t we just ACCEPT that we’re all alone? I guess the only people who don’t make us alone are paradoxically the people we love and who died. They are the only one being with us for real because we’ll carry them in our heart the whole way and we can be suer that we’ll never regret it, they’ll never betray us and we’ll always forgive them. Why does it take us to lose them forever to eventually accept it? Are we that unable to cope with the difference between our world and the outer world? Is that so hard to accept that people are not what you want them to be but are just who they are? Are we that self-centered not to be able to accept that the world is something more than going all around ourselves and nothing else?

Why are we so scared to be alone when we Are alone? Why are we so scared of all of our bad feelings when we DO have them anyway? Why are we scared to suffer when we actually do suffer even more trying to run away from our pain? Why can’t we face ourselves as miserable sometimes and able to rise above all that could bring us down? Why is it so hard for us to just admit we can be as amazing as miserable? Why do we want to be regular in the end? We all think we want to be different, original and so not like the others but we do want to appear so to other’s, deep inside of us, we spend our time praying that we ARE just like others. Isn’t that the most ceasing feeling ever when you notice something inside of you and someone tells you he feels the same? So you’re not “insane”, totally “mental” but well normal?? Why does it HAVE TO BE so paradoxical? Why do we keep spending time working hard to appear the exact opposite of what we really are? Why do we keep seeking the proof of the opposite we feel? Why can’t we just TRUST OURSELVES?

Even when we do trust ourselves, we don’t trust we’ll find our place in the outer world. The more we trust ourselves, the more we feel like we don’t belong here. Why is there always that huge gap between what we feel and what there is for real? Why do we have to over expect, why do we have to over react, why do we have to get over disappointed, over hurt? I just wish there was a way we could all understand, including myself, that the way we feel the worst, the way we feel the best and even the way we feel just normal is our very own way, that no one else does feel the same way and that everybody feels it its own way. We keep on dreaming about an over amazing life, doing nothing for it to happen, killing our self-love and confidence with our past shadows and not letting our inner light going through all of this, dealing with this, and that all of it makes us WHO WE ARE.

I’m contradictory and I spend all my time fighting against me.

Is it me? Is it everybody?

Spleen. Melancholia. Call it as you want. To me it’s just a deep feeling that seems to be part of me. I feel like I’m losing myself if I let it go. I spent my whole life identifying myself to my problems, my traumas, my fears and my wounds. So now even if I do want to let them go, I find myself unable to do so because I feel like I wouldn’t be myself anymore. How masochist is that.

I feel dark. I feel black. I feel like I don’t belong in anywhere. I feel like I don’t belong with anybody either. No I don’t wish to die. And I don’t harm myself. And I try not to harm the others too. But I always get hurt in the end. And I always hurt back. I know those times were my fault. I know I wanted those times to happen. I know I made them to happen. But I got so many memories I can’t let go. I can’t let him go. I don’t want to. I don’t know what the fuck I want. Why do all of those emotions have to be always so core.

Who am I. Who am i supposed to be. Who am I supposed to become.

Why do I spend so much energy on feeling pain and can’t seem to find a way to develop any in order to be fucking HAPPY. Am I going to be any day HAPPY? am i going to be at all. I feel so strong and yet so fucking fragile. I protect myself against everything. Anything.

I live in fear. I live in the past. I live in nostalgia. I live in regrets. I live in dreams. I live in hopes. But I can’t seem to find a fucking way to live in the real outer world. I always get so close to myself, but yet so far. I feel anger for everybody. Not every body. But any body really.

I’m feeling guilty for everything. I am feeling guilty for being me. I am guilty for taking care of me. I feel guilty. All the time. Why is that.

I feel so special but so judgemental with myself. I so want to be perfect. I so want to be irreproachable. But I don’t want to lower my expectations. Cause I want to be perfect on my way. Cause I want a very perfect life on my way. I want perfect people. I want perfection, not universal perfection, but MY perfection, I want reality to be as beautiful as my inner world, I don’t want people to have weaknesses, I don’t want relationships to end, and I don’t want to feel all of this anymore.

I’m contradictory and I spend all my time fighting against me. Image

..

“The first time it’s a mistake.

The second time it’s a choice…”

…Or a way to stay in comfort zone.